It's been one month

Dec-13-2017

Its been one month

This blog post I going to be completley different today. I don't know if I'll eventually delete this post because this is a fashion blog and I want my blog to bring inspiration and stay on the subject of style and fashion but today I'm going to write about this anyway. I guess I'll just write about my experience and feelings so far. Don't ask me why because I still don't really know. Maybe to help me in some way? Maybe this will help me realize that it's true so I won't still be in denial and it'll force me to deal with it so I can start the healing process. Maybe I just don't know what else to do. 

It's been one month since my older brother died and went to do greater things in Heaven. It's been one month since he took his last breath. It's been one month since my life turned upside down. It's been one month since my nephew's lost their daddy. It's been one month since all my siblings, two parents, and sister in-laws's worst nightmare became reality and we have to live our lives without him.  

Like I mentioned before, I still don't think it's completely sunk in yet. The day I found out and attending his funeral was anything but real emotions and was the hardest thing I have done but a month later it feels unreal. When people ask me how I am doing I automatically don't let my overwhelming feelings come in so I am able to answer the question without freaking out but sometimes I feel like I really am okay and at first I was proud of myself, until I kept saying that I am fine any time someone asks. I shouldn't be? It's been one month, thats it, since my own sibling died and I am fine? I've realized that I am still pushing away dealing with this entirely and because of that, I am still in complete denial. 

This day a month ago, though, and the many days that followed were the hardest in my life. The sting wouldn't go away no matter how hard I distracted myself. For a second I'd forget and then it came back instantly and it hurt just as bad and the first time I found out. My entire family would spend each day at my mom's house so we were all together and if you found yourself okay for a moment and could check your breath again and not feel so buried in agony, you'd look over to see that your other sibling, or mom, or grandparent, or sister-in-law had lost it again, and so you would too. It just didn't end. But, after his funeral it became not as heavy to bare. 

I had never experienced death like this before so I always thought that if it had ever happened to one of my loved ones, the funeral would be impossible to handle. But it wasn't at all what I expected it to be. The family viewing was on Sunday and I wasn't ready to see my dead brother. I didn't want it to be real, I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. As soon as I saw him it was very difficult at first but I didn't feel devastated. It was the first time I had felt real peace after hearing the news. I knew my brother was there to help comfort all of us and support us while we were with his lifeless body. I couldn't believe I felt so much peace, the entire time we were there. Each sibling got the opportunity to be with him alone to "say our goodbyes" and still then I felt peace. I thought it would be so difficult to see his body but I knew that he is still alive, with Heavenly Father and Our Savior so I couldn't feel sadness. While at the family viewing my dad said a few things that described exactly how I felt but didn't know it yet. My brother was too good for this life. He was such a good and important man that all he needed to do was leave his legacy, his two sons, and go back to our Father in Heaven for greater work to do. This is something that I believe with all of my heart. It's obvious. God's plan for him in Heaven is more important than this time on earth and believe in God's plan as much as I believe that I am a daughter of God. 

That being said it doesn't mean it's less hard now. It was a tender mercy from God that I was able to feel peace at my brother's viewing and funeral but I still have to get through the rest of my life without him. I get to see his boys grow up into men without him there teaching them how to be good people. I will have to watch them when challenges come their way without my brother to protect them and teach them and comfort them, physically here on earth. I get to have my own children that won't ever meet their uncle Kyle and go the rest of my sibling's weddings, without him there. My heart stays heavy and a piece of it is missing because I can't be with my brother for a long time but I know my older brother will still protect me in my life on earth, just like he always had. My brother is my new guardian angel. The rest of my life on the earth will be without him and I have to learn to deal with that, figure out my life without my brother. Be there for his son's, who I semi feel responsible for now so they can be happy even without their daddy here. Some days are going to be so hard, some days I have already felt the most pain I thought I could feel and I'll have more days like that. Some days I'll be okay and I'll feel truly happy again. Some day I won't be in denial because it's still so shocking to me that it doesn't feel entirely real to me in a way. 

"Yea, I say unto you, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yeah, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." This is going to be along journey in my life with having to deal with his trail, but it's my trail. And I know that God gave me this trail knowing I will get through it and still find happiness in my life. God be with you till we meet again, my older brother, and I know we will <3

Thanks for letting me share <3